Happy Anniversary...

Today, (well actually, tomorrow), January 7th is Laura and my first anniversary. We are staying in New Orleans, at the Block-Keller House B&B right on Canal St. Stalkers, stay away. It's been a while since I've been to uptown NO--since before hurricane Katrina. Construction is everywhere, and places that I once loved to go are now either out-of-business or under reconstruction.

My idea of marriage is now completely different than it was a year ago. Laura and I were fortunate to get fantastic premarital counseling, which has helped us immensely. Also, the relationship that Laura and I have has always been strong in communication. I know I hardly get personal on this site, but given the occasion, I think I should, especially for my single readers out there (wishful thinking, I know).

Laura and I married under the best of circumstances. Financially, I have a steady job with Chevron Phillips Chemical as an Applications Analyst (Applications/Web Applications Developer). The company is very good to me and had provided more than we need. I have been able to own a home and pay for her graduate school without going into any other debt besides a mortgage. Emotionally, we are both (I think, at least) stable and well-centered. Spiritually, we have the same beliefs. I married into a wonderful family, and I love her parents, and she loves my family--we have very little in-law tensions compared to most marriages. And we were (and are) in love, but the substance of our relationship was never purely grounded in emotion, but in committment.

Why do I say this? Because, even when you marry in the best of circumstances, marriage takes more work and patience than you could ever possibly imagine. She leaves drawers open, and for me, the interior decoration isn't complete unless I leave a pair of shoes in every room. I also shed body hair, and one bathroom sink just isn't enough room for her. Oh yeah, I snore sometimes, I can also be very inconsiderate at other times (but I never snore and be inconsiderate at the same time), and she demands that I tell her that she's not bossy (True story, but it happened before we married, but the demanding still stands).

I remember a few months into our marriage, Laura and I were having a hard time communicating about something, and afterwards she said to me, "Marriage has shown me how selfish of a person I am." It was such a profound and convicting statement--and true for the both of us. I'm only a year into my marriage, and I have been able to experience the spiritual sanctification and purification it brings. Privacy and secrecy are things of the past, so hiding anything is difficult in the short-term--and impossible for the long-term. If you are able to hide anything from your spouse, then true intimacy is an impossibility, and your vulnerability is an illusion.

But the best part is the intimacy that comes by truly being vulnerable to another human being by placing a strong trust in her (which is impossible without a faith in Christ to work through her), surrendering the responsibility to care for your needs to her--and her to you. When God's brings the person He intends for you to marry, it is for the good of both of you--and greatest good often comes through working through the most difficult times of marriage. These times demand our selflessness and patience as spouses--a Christ-like character which comes only by God's grace--in order for the marriage to survive them. The strongest and most intimate marriages I know have survived terrible times that forced the couple to demonstrate committment to God and the marriage.

To often people ground relationships purely on emotion. In such a relationship, one would have an eaiser time "grasping for the wind" than meeting the naive expectations of the other. Sure, the connection is strong at the start and it seems like you both think the same thoughts, but it will tire out after a time, and the both of you will certainly start thinking different thoughts. These things always happen, and marrying will only make them come faster, because one is forced to see the other's flaws. Without committment, the relationship will die as fast as a whale out of the water--and this committment must exist in the heart and expressed to the other before the marriage vows are taken--and it must transcend emotion.

How does one know that the relationship is purely emotion? If you don't see any flaws in the other's habits and character, then you have the emotional filter lenses on. If you are afraid to have your flaws exposed, and if you have not seen any imperfection (besides the pimples) in the other, then DON'T GET MARRIED!!! You need stop wading in the shallow pool of superficiality and dive into the deep waters of reality before you even consider marriage. Trust me, both you and your significant other are deeply flawed and selfish, and your illusions of intimacy at this point are nothing more than two people selfishly high on emotion.